so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The air was thick with penises
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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