We're like a lot better than the average bears
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
