apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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