you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
