I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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