NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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