There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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