Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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