im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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