When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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