I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
