So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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