What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
