just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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