I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
