Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
