were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
