just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
