Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
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I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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