Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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