I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
