Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
