believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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