Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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