This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
