Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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