Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
