just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
