I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
