the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
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