there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I want to fling myself into the sun
We need to get me chipped asap
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
