i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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