Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
