I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
