I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
