So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
