apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
