You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
