The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she peed on how many people?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
