I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
