i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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