I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
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i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
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I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize