i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
