Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
