I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
