WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
