He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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