Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
