Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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