the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
