he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
