I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I faked an abortion last night.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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