I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
