Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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