I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
True strength comes from lack of pants
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
