Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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