They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
