All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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