I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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