so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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