He uses pillows to masturbate.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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