She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
