After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
