Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Come see our sink grown plant.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
